It's Raining and I know it.

My brain is of two minds right now. Most of the time I feel younger than I ever have. I am more physically fit now, for the first time in my life. I love running. I enjoy a good bike ride, kayaking or strength training session. I am running my second race this coming Sunday, The Hampton 5 Miler. I am actually looking forward to October, when I will revisit Jillian Michaels's 30 Day Shred. And even though I have not lost a lot of weight- I have weighed much less in the past but never been this fit. It feels great. I feel great. I do not feel like I am 43 yrs old. 

Wellllllllll- most of the time, I don't feel 43. But when the pain in my hips, neck and shoulders is really strong, when I can't get out of the car without gritting my teeth, I can't climb the stairs or raise my coffee mug without tears welling - I don't feel 43 then, either. More like 65. Embarrassed isn't the right word, I am not sure what is. But I hate how I think I look trying to move along without a hobble. I don't want people to think I am trying to draw attention or get attention but it really hurts to walk.  

How do I run then? It hurts when I start running, oh yeah, it hurts but by the end of the first km I have worked it out a bit and I can carry on. As long as I keep moving until the run is done I am good. I take walk breaks if I need to but don't stop moving. Although, I really hate taking walk breaks. Yeah, I would say my hips hurt most of the time. For at least 2 or 3 years now and I don't think it is going away. I asked the doctor if she thought the running was making it worse. Actually I told her that my mom suggested it was making it worse. I was happy to hear that Dr. Linda didn't believe so.  Grant thinks I am a human barometer. Yes, everything is hurting tonight and oh look outside, it's raining cats and dogs. Maybe he is right? If I look back on the days I felt the worst, it's been raining or very humid. At least I know when the weather man is telling the truth.

Having it all

I lost my dad recently. I guess he had been sick for a while but didn't know it, and things went downhill rather fast.  The month has been filled with many questions. Not just the "why" and "how come" but also many questions about my own life and choices. 

One day, while sitting at my dad's bedside in the hospital, dad was sleeping and it was me and my brother there with him. We were talking about life choices, careers, etc. He said " surely, you must be making money". I said "we make enough to put food on our table, have a nice home. That's all we need. I have a beautiful child and a husband who loves me. I love my life!". Silence. My brother had no quick rebuttal to that statement. Not sure what he was thinking but I imagine he thought I would want more. I don't need to be famous or see the Seven Wonders to feel I have lived or have everything.  I don't need a designer house or a fancy car to define who I am. I have what I need.

That not to say I won't go places or see things. Maybe, someday.  

I wonder if dad felt that way. When I think of how he looked at mom even in his last days - blowing her kisses, telling her she is the most beautiful woman and how lucky he was to have her, yeah, I think dad would say he had everything too.

My Contradictionary World.

  Last night I went on a mission to find a lite weight jacket that I could wear running outdoors - to break the wind and keep warm on the cooler days (wish I'd had one yesterday). I had a criteria for this jacket: it couldn't stick to my sweaty arms and body and I didn't want it to cook me like I were in a sauna, like the Columbia jacket I bought years ago but never wear because it does feel like a sauna suit. So, I went into every sports store on the east side, seeking the help of the sales people. The only jacket that met the criteria was ... a NorthFace jacket. Unbelievable. I told the salesgirl I couldn't buy it because I openly ridicule women who wear their jackets. To which I received a funny look. So I left, finished my errands and went back and got the jacket.

I have mocked many women (and men too) who wear clothing that's designed for a specific purpose yet they have not, nor will they ever use the clothing for the designed purpose ie: NorthFace jackets on people who are not active nor adventurers, but hey they look great when picking up the kids at school or getting the groceries.
So then I started thinking about it and I was already a hypocrite, way before NorthFace. I wear LuluLemon yet I don't do yoga, I wear birks yet I am not much of a free spirit. Both companies I have scoffed for becoming huge name brands. And those traveler friends of mine (that's pretty much most of my friends)... I have said I don't need to travel - I have everything I need right here and yet I find I am searching for new trips hours after I have landed. Yes, a big time hypocrite - head hanging low.
I have become a name branded wanderlust. Oh the shame.
As for the traveling, I get why so many Canadians get away. The sun, the sand, the culture,  the idea of escaping reality even if it is only for a week or two. In the words of Dr. Seuss "Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing.". The travel - it seeps into your veins and the more you do, the more you want.

Okay, so I am to get why these brands are so popular and have stood the test of time. The birks (as ugly as I think they are) are just the most comfortable thing my feet have ever worn. The lululemon - well again comfort is top of the list, but breathable, washable and fitted to compliment a women's curves. Then there is the NorthFace jacket. Why was it so special (aside from the fact it was 25% off)? Most of the brands the local sports stores carry are either designed for extreme weather making them too heavy and not very comfortable for running or they do not have a proper lining inside the body & sleeves making the nylon fabric stick to you like wet glue. Not a great feeling when you are at km no.4. The jacket I came home with met all my criteria and looked great to boot.
So now what? Well, I am currently investigating a girl's getaway, a romantic getaway and a family getaway all spanning the next 18months. I will find a new brand to scoff until it too can prove me wrong. Hey have you heard of Bench? My world is definitely becoming a contradiction.

the new norm

I haven't respond to a Sunday Scribblings in ages.  "Normal is just a cycle on the washer" is said so frequently in my world that I just had to respond to this week's prompt.

I juggle two jobs. I chauffeur my 12 yr old to cheerleading, guitar lessons, and youth group each week. I volunteer, and on Sunday's I am the church pianist in the worship team. I run 5k every other day and  struggle through 22 minutes of Jillian Michaels all to take care of the only body I've got. I love book club but rarely finish the book before we meet each month. Posing in my underwear for a photoshoot of real woman scared the crap out of me but I did it and I felt beautiful.. until I saw the proofs. I love to share good wine with my friends but finding time means scheduling it  just like any other appointment. I don't pretend  - what you see is what you get. Who has time to be something they are not. That's exhausting. I have so many crafts and hobbies started but look out if I put it down, it may never get done.

I am not trying to be superwoman. I am like any other woman who is trying to balance the "must do's" with the "want to's".

It's 2012 and I am normal.